Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute is a thought-provoking book that reveals how we often deceive ourselves without realizing it, justifying our actions while blaming others. This mindset, the book argues, hinders our ability to lead effectively and build meaningful relationships. At the heart of the book lies a powerful metaphor: being “in the box” versus “out of the box”— a reflection of how we view and treat the people around us. The book offers practical insights into how we fall into this mental trap and, more importantly, how we can free ourselves from it

Self-Deception and the “Box”

• Self-deception is the problem of not knowing and resisting the possibility that one has a problem.
• No matter what we are doing on the outside, people respond primarily to how we are feeling about them on the inside. And how we are feeling about them depends on whether we are in or out of the box concerning them.
• Out of the box: I see myself and others more or less as we are – as People
• In the box: I see myself and others in a systematically distorted way – others as mere Objects.

How we get in the box

1. An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of “self-betrayal”.
2. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.
3. When I see the world in self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted.
4. So, when I betray myself, I enter the box.
5. Over time, certain boxes become characteristic of me, and I carry them with me.
6. By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box.
7. In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box.

We can get out of the box by knowing the material and living it.

Knowing the material:

• Self-betrayal leads to self-deception and “the box”.
• When we are in the box, our “what-focus” shifts from achieving results to justifying ourselves.
• Similarly, our ‘who-focus’ shifts to ourselves instead of the people we are meant to serve.
• When we are in the box, the following efforts will not work:
  • Trying to change others.
  • Doing our best to “cope” with others.
  • Leaving.
  • Communicating.
  • Implementing new skills or techniques.
  • Changing our behavior.
• Ultimately, our ability to influence and succeed as leaders depends on whether we operate from inside or outside the box. We can get out of the box as we cease resisting other people.

Living the material:

• Don’t try to be perfect. Do try to be better.
• Don’t look for others’ boxes. Do look for our own.
• Don’t accuse others of being in the box. Do try to stay out of the box ourselves.
• Don’t give up on ourself when we discover we have been in the box. Do keep trying.
• Don’t deny that we have been in the box when we have been. Do apologise, then just keep marching forward, trying to be more helpful to others in the future.
• Don’t focus on what others are doing wrong. Do focus on what we can do right to help.
• Don’t worry whether others are helping us. Do worry whether we are helping others.

Leadership and Self-Deception reminds us that effective leadership starts with how we see others—and ourselves. When we act against what we know is right, we betray ourselves and enter the box, distorting reality to justify our actions. This mindset not only limits our influence but also impacts those around us. Getting out of the box isn’t about fixing others; it’s about choosing to be helpful, honest, and aware. As leaders, the real shift begins when we stop justifying and start seeing people as people.

“Crossing the Rubicon: Wisdom Trails with the Old Monk” by Krishna Kumar Marayil is a thought-provoking book that lingers in the mind, urging deep reflection on the path to a virtuous life. Letting go of behaviors that once brought success can be challenging, yet this book compellingly argues for embracing authenticity. Through engaging anecdotes, it highlights why shedding outdated patterns is essential for true growth. Interestingly, this theme resonates with several books I have read recently, including What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, The Culture Code, Gita for the CEO, Be Water, My Friend, and Hidden Potential.

My key takeaways from the book are:

• Pick our battles: Some races are best to forsake. Life is not about relentless chasing; success comes from setting our own pace
• Wanting to stay in control is not the answer to avoiding failure: Worry begins when we try to live in a future that has yet to arrive. Trusting the path we are on allows us to find beauty in each step and truly live in the present, rather than postponing fulfilment to an uncertain future.
• Discard masks and stay true to ourselves: The temptation to adopt a false persona distances us from our true nature. Avoid being overly accommodating or easily provoked. Authenticity fosters composure, freedom, and ultimately leads to meaningful success.
• Create an alter ego: Embody a superhero mindset to tackle seemingly insurmountable challenges and pursue our dreams. An alter ego provides the freedom to explore different facets of our personality, navigate difficulties, and unlock hidden potential.
• Silence is a great source of strength in conversations: When someone falls silent, it might be their path to self-discovery through self-reflection. Directing silence inward enhances self-awareness and helps find answers to problems.
• Bring our inner devil to the surface: Confronting fears and questioning self-doubt leads to powerful self-reflection. Addressing our inner critic allows us to break free from limitations, challenge the status quo, and pursue our dreams.
• Embrace the virtuous life: Act from a place of clarity and wisdom rather than being driven by desires. Ambition can be a great motivator, but is rooted in desire. Looking for a sense of recognition outside ourselves leads to restlessness. Shifting focus from personal gain to what benefits others brings clarity, peace, and fulfilment.

Crossing the Rubicon is a compelling guide to self-discovery and transformation. It challenges us to shed past habits, embrace authenticity, and find fulfilment in the present. Through engaging insights and practical wisdom, the book inspires a shift from mere ambition to a purpose-driven, virtuous life.

I discovered Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things by Adam Grant through a leadership program’s recommended reading list for 2024. Having admired Grant’s insights in Give and Take and Think Again, my respect for him deepened with this latest book.

Grant builds on a powerful premise: potential isn’t defined by where we start but by how far we are willing to go. This resonates deeply with me – I’ve seen friends achieve extraordinary success over the years, surpassing what once seemed unimaginable.

Skills of Character: Getting Better at Getting Better

The starting point to unlock hidden potential is character. The stereotype is to think of character as a set of principles that people acquired and enacted through sheer force of will. We have the opportunity to view character less as a matter of will and more as a set of skills. It is the learned capacity to live by our principles.

Character is often confused with personality. Personality is our predisposition – basic instincts for how we feel, think and act. Character is our capacity to prioritise our values over instincts. If personality is how we respond on a typical day, character is how we show up on a hard day.

1. Creatures of Discomfort: Embracing the unbearable awkwardness of learning. Summoning the courage to face discomfort is a character skill – an especially important form of determination. It takes three kinds of courage: to abandon our tried-and-true methods, to put ourself in the ring before we feel ready, and to make more mistakes than others make attempts. The best way to seek growth is to embrace, seek and amplify discomfort.
2. Human Sponges: Building the Capacity to Absorb and Adapt. Growth is less about how hard we work and more about how well we learn. Absorptive capacity is the ability to recognise, value, assimilate, and apply new information. It depends on two key habits – first is being proactive in seeking new knowledge, skills and perspectives (rather than being reactive), and second is focusing on information that fuels our growth (rather than feeding our ego).
3. The Imperfectionists: Finding the Sweet Spot between Flawed and Flawless. Perfectionists tend to get three things wrong. First, they obsess about details that don’t matter. They are so busy finding the right solution to tiny problems that they lack the discipline to find the right problems to solve. They can’t see the forest for the trees. Second, they avoid unfamiliar situations and difficult tasks that might lead to failure. That leaves them refining a narrow set of existing skills rather than working to develop new ones. Third, they berate themselves for making mistakes, which makes it harder to learn from them. They fail to realise that the purpose of reviewing their mistakes isn’t to shame their past self. It’s to educate their future self. They key is to shift our attention from impossible  ideas to achievable standards – and then adjust those standards over time.

Structures for Motivation: Scaffolding to Overcome Obstacles

1. Transforming the Daily Grind: Infusing Passion into Practice. Whereas burnout is the emotional exhaustion that accumulates when we are overloaded, bore out is the emotional deadening we feel when we are under-stimulated. Deliberate play and timely breaks are some of the ways to bring joy to our daily work.
2. Getting Unstuck: The Roundabout Path to Forward Progress. Skills don’t grow at a steady pace. Improving is like driving up a mountain. As we climb higher and higher, the road gets steeper and steeper, and our gains are smaller and smaller. When we run out of momentum, we start to stall. To move forward, we may have to head back down the mountain. Once we have retreated far enough, we can find another way – a path that will allow us to build the momentum to reach the peak.
3. Defying Gravity: The Art of Flying by Our Bootstraps. When we are facing a daunting task, we need both competence and confidence. One way to build competence to teach what we want to learn. We remember it better when we recall it and we understand better after we explain it. We can build confidence by coaching – that is offering encouragement to others that we need for ourselves.

Systems of Opportunity: Opening Doors and Windows

1. Every Child Gets Ahead: Designing Schools to Bring Out the Best in Students. Changing the school culture from winner take all to opportunity for all can create an education system that helps all students reach their potential.
2. Mining for Gold: Unearthing Collective Intelligence in Teams. Collective intelligence is a group’s capacity to solve problems together. It depends less on people’s cognitive skills than their prosocial skills. Collective intelligence raises as team members recognise one another’s strengths, develop strategies for leveraging them, and motivate one another to align their efforts in pursuit of a shared purpose. Unleashing hidden potential is about more than having the best pieces – it’s about having the best glue. Meetings are hijacked by people who talk and some of the best ideas may never be heard. To unearth the hidden potential in teams, instead of brainstorming, we are better off shifting to brain-writing where everyone write down their ideas before they are taken up for discussion. Instead of a hierarchical organizational structure that is based on a ladder system, building a lattice system where employees have access to multiple leaders can unlock hidden ideas among introverts.
3. Diamonds in the Rough: Discovering Uncut Gems in Job Interviews and College Admissions. Instead of looking at past experience or past performance, we should find out what they have learned and how well they can learn.

Hidden Potential challenges the notion that talent is innate, emphasizing instead the power of character, motivation, and opportunity in unlocking growth. Adam Grant explores how embracing discomfort, fostering adaptability, and rethinking perfection can accelerate personal development. He also highlights structural changes—both in organizations and education—that can help individuals and teams achieve more than they ever imagined. The book is a compelling guide to transforming potential into performance.

My coach referred me to a book on Bruce Lee’s philosophy written by his daughter Shannon Lee and titled after his famous quote “Be Water, My Friend”. I have often resolved to be fluid and adapt to situations to succeed amid adversity, this book provided me with science and philosophy that leads to benefits of fluidity.

The Water Way: Embrace the characteristics of water – being formless, shapeless and taking the shape of the container it is placed in. Always look for paths to flow around obstacles rather than being stuck in resistance. The basic principles of water that can guide our way:

• No limitation: be unstoppable
• Be aware: be fully present and accountable in the face of challenging scenarios and people
• Be pliable: be flexible to adapt to situations
• Have appropriate tension: on-guard position that is both relaxed yet active
• Be purposeful
• Be whole

The Empty Cup: The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness. Learning will not happen when we approach a problem thinking we already know the root cause. Adopt choiceless awareness – approach all that is happening around us without judging it, without making a choice or creating a story about it while maintaining full awareness of it. The notion of emptying our cup is the idea of letting go of the past and the future in favour of the present.

The Eternal Student: When we embrace the water way and empty our cup all the time, we make new discoveries every day and will be in a constant state of learning.

The Opponent: To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person. Life is not a competition, it is a co-creation. There are no winners and losers, overcoming the six diseases below will help us move from a sense of striving to the simple, active state of living:

• The desire for victory
• The desire to resort to technical cunning
• The desire to display all that has been learned
• The desire to awe the enemy
• The desire to play the passive role
• The desire to rid oneself of whatever disease one is affected by

The Obstacle: We will always encounter obstacles in pursuit of our dreams. We need to be aware of the negative emotions that blunt our resolve to succeed – worry makes a problem out of the problem, pessimism makes a problem harder by implying it is impossible to solve, fear stops us from attacking the problem as we are afraid of failing, doubt gives an excuse not to solve the problem. The way to walk on when faced with obstacles is to gather our will power and stay focused on our dream.

The Rainstorm: No matter what, you must let your inner light guide you out of the darkness. There will be times we will be hit hard by adversity, we must keep faith and stay focused on our purpose.

The Living Void: The four stages of cultivation that can lead us to the state of nirvana embracing the water way:

• Stage 1 – Partiality: This is where most of us start and this is unconscious behaviour. There is inexperience and wildness in what we do, without refined technique and skill. We may get things done but without awareness.
• Stage 2 – Fluidity: We reach this stage when we have acknowledged that we have a lot to learn and begin work on ourselves. It is a stage of budding conscious awareness. We are open, engaged in learning and bettering ourselves. We learn how to accept the ever-changing nature of life and to work with rather than against it.
• Stage 3 – Emptiness: In this stage of maturity, we are unlimited. We stand at the centre point of possibility with the ability to move in any direction. This is no longer tactical readiness but rather total awareness with instantaneous expression. At this stage, some magical things start to happen:
  • Our pace quickens
  • We feel powerful
  • We feel safe
• Stage 4 – Jeet Kune Do: Using no way as way, having no limitation as limitation.

Be Water, My Friend is more than just a book about Bruce Lee’s philosophy—it is a guide to living with adaptability, resilience, and purpose. By embracing the fluid nature of water, emptying our cup to stay open to learning, and overcoming obstacles with unwavering focus, we cultivate a mindset that enables growth and transformation. Life isn’t about rigid control but about flowing with challenges and opportunities alike. The ultimate goal is to reach a state of mastery where we move with effortless awareness—using no way as way, having no limitation as limitation.

I received Gita for the CEO from a friend, and it turned out to be a page-turner packed with wisdom! The book draws lessons from the Bhagavad Gita, presenting them in a modern corporate context to address leadership, decision-making, and personal growth.

Ten Sutras from Bhagavad Gita for Leadership Excellence

1. Be adaptable: Don’t hold on to the things that hold us back. Embrace the learning opportunities present in every situation. In contemporary times, adaptability is even more critical as technology accelerates change in the world around us.
2. Be visionary: Don’t let what we want now come in the way of what we truly aspire to achieve. Go beyond stereotyped definitions of success that choke human potential, and tap into the full range of abilities at our command. Remember, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
3. Be bold: Even if we have to live with fear, we don’t have to live in fear. Too much fear makes us spineless and paralyzed, while too little fear makes us foolhardy and reckless. Fear subordinated to a higher vision fosters courage and purpose, which is what we should strive for.
4. Be mindful: Identify our emotions; don’t identify with them. Observe the moods and impulses that could sabotage our plans, and explore ways to discipline the mind. Mindfulness involves three steps:
   • Awareness: Being conscious of our situations, bodily sensations, and emotions.
   • Purposefulness: Clearly understanding what truly matters to us.
   • Thoughtfulness: Objectively evaluating and understanding external and internal events.
5. Take responsibility: Our actions matter, even when they don’t seem to. Karma reflects the sum total of our past actions, good and bad. A portion of this karma combines with our present actions to shape outcomes. The Mahabharata condemns using destiny as an excuse for passivity. While we are the makers of our destiny, we are not its masters, as outcomes depend on factors beyond our control.
6. Watch our words: Be empathetic and emphatic; communicate with words that are sensitive and sensible. Use the power of words to build bridges, not walls.
7. Don’t lose perspective: Even when life determines our problems, we determine their size. Three insights to keep perspective:
   • Be stoic without eternalizing problems.
   • Leverage the power of humility.
   • Tap into tolerance to stay on track.
8. Be grateful: What we have is God’s gift to us; what we do with it is our gift to God. Even if we can’t be grateful for all situations, we can be grateful in all situations. Leaders can work with motivations such as fear, desire, duty, or love. Love is the highest motivation, where one is deeply fascinated by their work and considers it a form of worship.
9. Prioritize self-care: We are our first asset and should rejuvenate ourselves by connecting with the infinite reservoir of strength within. Negative emotions like irritation, frustration, and envy can block us from effectively using our intelligence. We can overcome them and reconnect with our potential by:
   • Strengthening conviction through association: Learn and remain optimistic by associating with a guru, coach, or friends who create a positive environment.
   • Sharpening intelligence with books: In an age of information overload, reading helps separate the essential from the peripheral.
   • Sonic spirituality: Meditation and connecting with our inner self foster resilience and clarity.
10. Be resilient: Hold your plans lightly and your purpose tightly. Never lose heart. Stay focused on a higher vision and purpose.

Yoga: Connecting with Higher Consciousness

The book also discusses yoga, which means “to connect.” It is a system designed to connect human consciousness with divine consciousness. The Bhagavad Gita outlines four types of yoga:

• Karma-yoga: Connecting through action.
• Jnana-yoga: Connecting through knowledge.
• Dhyana-yoga: Connecting through meditation.
• Bhakti-yoga: Connecting through devotion.

While yoga is often equated with meditation, that is just one aspect, represented by dhyana-yoga.

Gita for the CEO offers timeless wisdom from the Bhagavad Gita, reimagined for the modern corporate leader. Through ten actionable principles and the concept of yoga, the book inspires readers to lead with adaptability, mindfulness, gratitude, and resilience. It emphasizes a balance between achieving external success and cultivating inner strength, providing leaders with a roadmap for personal and professional excellence.

I wrapped up 2024 by completing the book The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle. This insightful read explores the secrets of highly successful groups, examining the dynamics that foster trust, cooperation, and collaboration. It highlights three foundational elements for creating cohesive and thriving cultures: building safety, sharing vulnerability, and establishing purpose.

Build safety: Building safety is akin to a fluid, improvisational skill—much like passing a soccer ball to teammates during a game. It involves recognizing patterns, reacting quickly, and delivering the right signals at the right time.

• The good apples: A single positive, proactive individual within a group can act as a catalyst for trust and collaboration, shielding the team from negativity and fostering collective success.
• Signal that we are close, we are safe, we share a future: As a leader, be intentional about sending these messages to the team continuously.
• How to build belonging? Build relationships by consistently delivering small, authentic signals of care, trust, and inclusion
• How to design belonging? Craft deliberate systems, rituals, and structures that reinforce group identity and foster a deep, enduring sense of unity and shared purpose
• Ideas for action:
  • Overcommunicate your listening (through body language, asking questions and paraphrasing)
  • Spotlight your fallibility early-on (especially if you are a leader)
  • Embrace the messenger
  • Preview future connection
  • Overdo thank-yous
  • Be painstaking in the hiring process
  • Eliminate bad apples
  • Create safe, collision-rich spaces
  • Make sure everyone has a voice
  • Pickup trash
  • Capitalize on threshold moments
  • Avoid giving sandwich feedback
  • Embrace fun

Share vulnerability: Exchanges of vulnerability, which we naturally tend to avoid, are the pathway through which trusting cooperation is built.

• Embrace the vulnerability loop: Institute After Action Reviews (AAR) and BrainTrust meetings where all team members candidly share their learnings, feedback and observations.
• Ideas for action:
  • Make sure the leader is vulnerable first and often
  • Overcommunicate expectations
  • Deliver the negative stuff in-person
  • When forming new groups, focus on two critical moments – the first vulnerability and the first disagreement
  • Listen like a trampoline
  • In conversation, resist the temptation to reflectively add value
  • Use candor generating practices like AARs, BrainTrusts and Red Teaming.
  • Aim for candor, avoid brutal honesty
  • Embrace the discomfort
  • Align language with action
  • Build a wall between performance review and professional development
  • Use flash mentoring
  • Make the leader occasionally disappear

Establish purpose: The difference with successful cultures seems to be that they use the crisis to crystallize their purpose. When leaders of those groups reflect on failures later, they express gratitude for those moments, as painful as they were, because they were the crucible that helped the group discover what it could be.

• Name and rank our priorities
• Be ten times as clear about our priorities as we think we should be
• Figure out where our group aims for proficiency and where it aims for creativity:
  • Proficiency: Skills of proficiency are about doing a task the same way, every single time delivering machine-like reliability. They tend to apply in domains in which the goal behaviors are clearly defined, such as service. Building purpose to perform these skills is like building a vivid map with spotlight on the goal and providing crystal-clear directions to the checkpoints along the way. Ways to do that include:
    • Provide clear, accessible models of excellence
    • Provide high-repetition, high-feedback training
    • Build vivid, memorable rules of thumb (if X, then Y)
    • Spotlight and honor the fundamentals of the skill
  • Creativity: Creative skills are about empowering a group to do the hard work of building something that has never existed before. Generating purpose in these areas is like supplying an expedition – provide support, fuel and tools to serve as a protective presence that empowers the team doing the work. Ways to do that include:
    • Keenly attend to team composition and dynamics
    • Define, reinforce and relentlessly protect the team’s creative autonomy
    • Make it safe to fail and to give feedback
    • Celebrate hugely when the group takes initiative
• Embrace the use of catchphrases
• Measure what really matters
• Use artifacts
• Focus on bar setting behaviors

The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle reveals that the key to building successful groups lies in fostering safety, embracing vulnerability, and crystallizing purpose. By creating environments where individuals feel valued and secure, encouraging open and candid exchanges, and aligning actions with a shared mission, we can unlock the full potential of teams. Whether in professional settings or personal endeavors, this book provides actionable insights to cultivate a culture of trust, collaboration, and success.

I came across the book Games People Play by Eric Berne during my a conversation with my coach. This classic work delves into the subtle and unconscious “games” we play in our social interactions. Berne masterfully explores the psychological dynamics underlying these interactions, offering readers profound insights into their motivations, relationships, and conflicts.

At its core, Eric Berne defines games as recurring patterns of behavior that involve ulterior motives and outcomes. These are not playful activities but rather interactions that follow predictable scripts, often driven by hidden psychological needs. By identifying and understanding these games, we can foster more authentic and productive relationships.

The Structure of Games

Berne categorizes games based on their psychological and social functions, outlining their three key components:

1. The Social Mask: The public-facing behavior we exhibit.
2. The Psychological Payoff: The hidden emotional reward we seek.
3. The Outcome: The predictable conclusion of the interaction.

Each game has a title, a script, and players who unconsciously follow their roles.

The Thesaurus of Games

Eric Berne provides a “thesaurus” of games, classifying them into categories that reflect different aspects of life and relationships:

• Life Games: These include games like “Why Don’t You—Yes But,” where individuals seek validation for their problems but reject solutions offered by others.
• Marital Games: Examples include “Frigid Woman” or “If It Weren’t for You,” where partners engage in blame or avoidance to sustain underlying conflicts.
• Party Games: Social interactions like “Ain’t It Awful” focus on collective complaining to build camaraderie while avoiding deeper connections.
• Sexual Games: Games like “Rapo” involve flirtation and seduction with no intention of following through, often to assert control or boost ego.
• Underworld Games: These encompass manipulative behaviors seen in criminal or subversive environments, such as “Cops and Robbers.”
• Consulting Room Games: Played in therapeutic settings, such as “Psychiatry” or “Wooden Leg,” where patients avoid personal responsibility.

Each category reflects specific human needs, fears, or desires, offering profound insights into why we behave the way we do.

Examples of Popular Games

• “Why Don’t You—Yes But”: A problem-solving game where one person seeks advice but dismisses every suggestion, reinforcing their sense of hopelessness.
• “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a B**”**: A confrontational game where someone exploits a minor mistake to assert dominance.
• “See What You Made Me Do”: Shifting blame to others to avoid accountability.

The Path to Authenticity

Berne’s goal is not to judge but to help us recognize these patterns and move beyond them. To foster healthier relationships and personal growth, he suggests cultivating three key qualities:

• Awareness: Developing the ability to recognize games in real-time, identifying their patterns and triggers.
• Spontaneity: Encouraging authentic reactions and behavior instead of following pre-scripted roles.
• Intimacy: Building deeper connections by expressing genuine emotions and fostering mutual trust.

By shedding light on these patterns and adopting these principles, we can communicate more openly, build trust, and address underlying insecurities and needs.

Games People Play by Eric Berne is a groundbreaking exploration of human psychology and interaction. By categorizing and analyzing the “games” embedded in daily life, Eric Berne equips us with tools to navigate relationships with greater self-awareness and authenticity. Whether in life, marriage, social settings, or even therapy, understanding these dynamics can lead to richer and more fulfilling connections. This book is a must-read for anyone eager to uncover the hidden scripts that shape our interactions.

I got a reference for the book Magic Words by Jonah Berger from the SII Wharton executive program. This book uncovers the hidden science behind how language works and how we can use it effectively to persuade others and deepen relationships.

There are six types of magic words:

1. Activate Identity and Agency: Words suggest who is in charge and what it means to engage in a particular action. Consequently, slight changes in the words we use can have a big impact:
   • Turn actions into identities: Turn the verb (“Will you help”) into a noun (“Will you be my helper?”). Framing actions as opportunities to confirm desired identities will encourage people to go along.
   • Change can’t to don’t: Saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” increases our feeling of empowerment and makes us more likely to achieve our goals.
   • Turn should to could: When we want our group to be more creative to solve a tough problem, rather than asking “What we should do?”, ask “What we could do?”. This encourages divergent thinking and helps us get out of that rut.
   • Talk to ourself: Nervous about a big presentation or trying to psych ourselves up for a big interview – talking to ourself in third person (“You can do it”) distances us from the tough situation, reducing anxiety and increasing performance.
   • Pick the right pronoun: Whether trying to get someone’s attention or avoid confrontation, think carefully about how to use pronouns like “I” or “you”. They can draw attention and take ownership, but they also suggest responsibility and blame.
2. Convey confidence: Words do more than just convey facts and opinions. They signal how confident communicators are in the facts and opinions they are expressing. Consequently, words influence how we are perceived and the impact of what we say.
   • Ditch the hedges: When the goal is to convey confidence, avoid words and phrases like “may”, “could”, “I think” and “In my opinion” which suggest that things and people saying them are uncertain.
   • Use definitives: Words like “definitely”, “clearly” and “obviously” suggest whatever we say is not just an opinion but an irrefutable truth.
   • Don’t hesitate: Fillers in speech like “um” and “uh” are natural parts of speech but too many of them can undermine people’s confidence in us and our message.
   • Turn pasts into presents: Using present tense (like “I love that book” instead of “I loved that book”) can communicate confidence and increase persuasion.
   • Know when to express doubt: While seeming to be certain of often beneficial, if we want to show we are open-minded, receptive to opposing viewpoints or aware of nuances, expressing doubt can help.
3. Ask the right questions: Questions help us collect information, communicate things about us, direct the flow of conversations and build social bonds. Consequently, we need to understand which questions to ask and when to ask them.
   • Ask for advice: Not only does it garner useful insights, it makes us seem smarter as well.
   • Follow up questions: They show we are listening, interested and care enough to learn more.
   • Deflect difficulty: When someone asks an unfair question, asking a related one back allows us to direct the conversation in a different direction, showing interest while keeping personal information private.
   • Avoid assumptions: When trying to get people to divulge potentially negative information, be careful of questions that assume things away.
   • Start safe, then build: To deepen social relationships or turn strangers into friends, start simple and build from there encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure.
4. Leverage concreteness: Talking abstractly when we know a lot about something results in communicating in a high-level way and misses the mark. Consequently, we need the harness the power of linguistic concreteness.
   • Make people feel heard: Paraphrase with specific details that show we paid attention and understood.
   • Be concrete: Use words that listeners can see in their mind. Its a lot easier to imagine a red sportscar than ideation.
   • Know when it is better to be abstract: If our goal is to come off as powerful or make something seem like it has growth potential, using abstract language is better.
   • Focus on the why: Thinking about the reasoning behind something helps things stay high level and communicate that big picture.
5. Employ emotion: Telling stories is the best way to grab people’s attention and have them remember our message.
   • Highlight the hurdles: As long as we are already seen as competent, revealing past shortcomings can make people like us even more.
   • Build a roller coaster: The best stories blend highs and lows. Talking about failures along the way make the successes even more sweet.
   • Mix up moments: The same intuition applies to moments as well.
   • Consider the context: Emotional language can help in hedonic domains like movies and vacations but backfire in more utilitarian domains like job applications and software.
   • Connect, then solve: Start with warmer, more emotional to set things up for the more cognitive, problem-solving discussions that come later.
   • Activate uncertainty: Evoking uncertain emotion like surprise will keep people engaged.
6. Harness similarity and differences:
   • Signal similarity: When familiarity is useful or fitting in is the goal, similar language can help. Using the same nomenclature employed by leaders to communicate vision will signal alignment.
   • Drive differences: If we are doing a job in which creativity, innovation or stimulation is valued, standing out might be better.
   • Plot the right progression: When telling stories, start slow to make sure the audience is onboard before speeding up to increase excitement.

Magic Words by Jonah Berger is an insightful exploration of how subtle shifts in language can create profound effects. By activating identity, conveying confidence, asking the right questions, leveraging concreteness, employing emotion, and harnessing similarity and differences, we can transform our communication to achieve better outcomes and build stronger connections. Whether in professional settings or personal relationships, the book provides actionable advice to harness the true power of words.

After a break of more than a year, I realized that the intellectual stimulation provided by books is irreplaceable and decided to dive back into reading. I began with the contemporary classic What Got You Here Won’t Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith, a recommendation from my coach.

As the title suggests, this book is tailored for seasoned leaders who find themselves plateauing at a certain level and are seeking strategies to unlock their potential and progress further. Goldsmith highlights 20 habits that can hold leaders back, many of which are strikingly relatable.

The book opens by explaining a phenomenon called the “success delusion.” Our past successes give us confidence and motivation, which are vital, but they can also make us resistant to change. This confidence often fosters a superstitious belief in the status quo, which can impede growth and innovation.

Goldsmith identifies 20 behavioral flaws in leadership that act as barriers to advancement. They are:

1. Winning too much: The need to win at all costs and in all situations – when it matters, when it doesn’t, and when it is totally beside the point.
2. Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.
3. Passing judgment: The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.
4. Making destructive comments: The needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty.
5. Starting with “No,” “But,” or “However”: The overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone, “I am right. You are wrong.”
6. Telling the world how smart we are: The need to show people we are smarter than they think we are.
7. Speaking when angry: Using emotional volatility as a management tool.
8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”: The need to share our negative thoughts even when we were not asked.
9. Withholding information: The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.
10. Failing to give proper recognition: The inability to praise and reward.
11. Claiming credit that we don’t deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success.
12. Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.
13. Clinging to the past: The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.
14. Playing favorites: Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.
15. Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we are wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.
16. Not listening: The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.
17. Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners.
18. Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.
19. Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves.
20. An excessive need to be “me”: Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.

Each of these habits is accompanied by detailed examples in the book, but even the titles alone are enough to spark introspection. Most of us can recognize some of these traits within ourselves or those around us.

The book’s most valuable insight for me was its seven-step approach to overcoming these limiting behaviors. These steps offer a practical framework to evolve as leaders and individuals:

1. Feedback: Actively seek honest input from others.
2. Apologizing: Acknowledge mistakes and express genuine regret.
3. Telling the world / Advertizing: Communicate your commitment to change.
4. Listening: Truly hear and understand others.
5. Thanking: Show appreciation for feedback and support.
6. Following up: Regularly check in to track progress and reinforce change.
7. Practicing feedforward: Focus on future improvements instead of dwelling on past mistakes.

In summary, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There is a must-read for leaders who aspire to break through barriers and achieve greater success. Goldsmith’s insights and actionable advice are invaluable for anyone striving to become a better version of themselves.