I came across the book Games People Play by Eric Berne during my a conversation with my coach. This classic work delves into the subtle and unconscious “games” we play in our social interactions. Berne masterfully explores the psychological dynamics underlying these interactions, offering readers profound insights into their motivations, relationships, and conflicts.

At its core, Eric Berne defines games as recurring patterns of behavior that involve ulterior motives and outcomes. These are not playful activities but rather interactions that follow predictable scripts, often driven by hidden psychological needs. By identifying and understanding these games, we can foster more authentic and productive relationships.

The Structure of Games

Berne categorizes games based on their psychological and social functions, outlining their three key components:

1. The Social Mask: The public-facing behavior we exhibit.
2. The Psychological Payoff: The hidden emotional reward we seek.
3. The Outcome: The predictable conclusion of the interaction.

Each game has a title, a script, and players who unconsciously follow their roles.

The Thesaurus of Games

Eric Berne provides a “thesaurus” of games, classifying them into categories that reflect different aspects of life and relationships:

• Life Games: These include games like “Why Don’t You—Yes But,” where individuals seek validation for their problems but reject solutions offered by others.
• Marital Games: Examples include “Frigid Woman” or “If It Weren’t for You,” where partners engage in blame or avoidance to sustain underlying conflicts.
• Party Games: Social interactions like “Ain’t It Awful” focus on collective complaining to build camaraderie while avoiding deeper connections.
• Sexual Games: Games like “Rapo” involve flirtation and seduction with no intention of following through, often to assert control or boost ego.
• Underworld Games: These encompass manipulative behaviors seen in criminal or subversive environments, such as “Cops and Robbers.”
• Consulting Room Games: Played in therapeutic settings, such as “Psychiatry” or “Wooden Leg,” where patients avoid personal responsibility.

Each category reflects specific human needs, fears, or desires, offering profound insights into why we behave the way we do.

Examples of Popular Games

• “Why Don’t You—Yes But”: A problem-solving game where one person seeks advice but dismisses every suggestion, reinforcing their sense of hopelessness.
• “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a B**”**: A confrontational game where someone exploits a minor mistake to assert dominance.
• “See What You Made Me Do”: Shifting blame to others to avoid accountability.

The Path to Authenticity

Berne’s goal is not to judge but to help us recognize these patterns and move beyond them. To foster healthier relationships and personal growth, he suggests cultivating three key qualities:

• Awareness: Developing the ability to recognize games in real-time, identifying their patterns and triggers.
• Spontaneity: Encouraging authentic reactions and behavior instead of following pre-scripted roles.
• Intimacy: Building deeper connections by expressing genuine emotions and fostering mutual trust.

By shedding light on these patterns and adopting these principles, we can communicate more openly, build trust, and address underlying insecurities and needs.

Games People Play by Eric Berne is a groundbreaking exploration of human psychology and interaction. By categorizing and analyzing the “games” embedded in daily life, Eric Berne equips us with tools to navigate relationships with greater self-awareness and authenticity. Whether in life, marriage, social settings, or even therapy, understanding these dynamics can lead to richer and more fulfilling connections. This book is a must-read for anyone eager to uncover the hidden scripts that shape our interactions.

I got a reference for the book Magic Words by Jonah Berger from the SII Wharton executive program. This book uncovers the hidden science behind how language works and how we can use it effectively to persuade others and deepen relationships.

There are six types of magic words:

1. Activate Identity and Agency: Words suggest who is in charge and what it means to engage in a particular action. Consequently, slight changes in the words we use can have a big impact:
   • Turn actions into identities: Turn the verb (“Will you help”) into a noun (“Will you be my helper?”). Framing actions as opportunities to confirm desired identities will encourage people to go along.
   • Change can’t to don’t: Saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” increases our feeling of empowerment and makes us more likely to achieve our goals.
   • Turn should to could: When we want our group to be more creative to solve a tough problem, rather than asking “What we should do?”, ask “What we could do?”. This encourages divergent thinking and helps us get out of that rut.
   • Talk to ourself: Nervous about a big presentation or trying to psych ourselves up for a big interview – talking to ourself in third person (“You can do it”) distances us from the tough situation, reducing anxiety and increasing performance.
   • Pick the right pronoun: Whether trying to get someone’s attention or avoid confrontation, think carefully about how to use pronouns like “I” or “you”. They can draw attention and take ownership, but they also suggest responsibility and blame.
2. Convey confidence: Words do more than just convey facts and opinions. They signal how confident communicators are in the facts and opinions they are expressing. Consequently, words influence how we are perceived and the impact of what we say.
   • Ditch the hedges: When the goal is to convey confidence, avoid words and phrases like “may”, “could”, “I think” and “In my opinion” which suggest that things and people saying them are uncertain.
   • Use definitives: Words like “definitely”, “clearly” and “obviously” suggest whatever we say is not just an opinion but an irrefutable truth.
   • Don’t hesitate: Fillers in speech like “um” and “uh” are natural parts of speech but too many of them can undermine people’s confidence in us and our message.
   • Turn pasts into presents: Using present tense (like “I love that book” instead of “I loved that book”) can communicate confidence and increase persuasion.
   • Know when to express doubt: While seeming to be certain of often beneficial, if we want to show we are open-minded, receptive to opposing viewpoints or aware of nuances, expressing doubt can help.
3. Ask the right questions: Questions help us collect information, communicate things about us, direct the flow of conversations and build social bonds. Consequently, we need to understand which questions to ask and when to ask them.
   • Ask for advice: Not only does it garner useful insights, it makes us seem smarter as well.
   • Follow up questions: They show we are listening, interested and care enough to learn more.
   • Deflect difficulty: When someone asks an unfair question, asking a related one back allows us to direct the conversation in a different direction, showing interest while keeping personal information private.
   • Avoid assumptions: When trying to get people to divulge potentially negative information, be careful of questions that assume things away.
   • Start safe, then build: To deepen social relationships or turn strangers into friends, start simple and build from there encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure.
4. Leverage concreteness: Talking abstractly when we know a lot about something results in communicating in a high-level way and misses the mark. Consequently, we need the harness the power of linguistic concreteness.
   • Make people feel heard: Paraphrase with specific details that show we paid attention and understood.
   • Be concrete: Use words that listeners can see in their mind. Its a lot easier to imagine a red sportscar than ideation.
   • Know when it is better to be abstract: If our goal is to come off as powerful or make something seem like it has growth potential, using abstract language is better.
   • Focus on the why: Thinking about the reasoning behind something helps things stay high level and communicate that big picture.
5. Employ emotion: Telling stories is the best way to grab people’s attention and have them remember our message.
   • Highlight the hurdles: As long as we are already seen as competent, revealing past shortcomings can make people like us even more.
   • Build a roller coaster: The best stories blend highs and lows. Talking about failures along the way make the successes even more sweet.
   • Mix up moments: The same intuition applies to moments as well.
   • Consider the context: Emotional language can help in hedonic domains like movies and vacations but backfire in more utilitarian domains like job applications and software.
   • Connect, then solve: Start with warmer, more emotional to set things up for the more cognitive, problem-solving discussions that come later.
   • Activate uncertainty: Evoking uncertain emotion like surprise will keep people engaged.
6. Harness similarity and differences:
   • Signal similarity: When familiarity is useful or fitting in is the goal, similar language can help. Using the same nomenclature employed by leaders to communicate vision will signal alignment.
   • Drive differences: If we are doing a job in which creativity, innovation or stimulation is valued, standing out might be better.
   • Plot the right progression: When telling stories, start slow to make sure the audience is onboard before speeding up to increase excitement.

Magic Words by Jonah Berger is an insightful exploration of how subtle shifts in language can create profound effects. By activating identity, conveying confidence, asking the right questions, leveraging concreteness, employing emotion, and harnessing similarity and differences, we can transform our communication to achieve better outcomes and build stronger connections. Whether in professional settings or personal relationships, the book provides actionable advice to harness the true power of words.

After a break of more than a year, I realized that the intellectual stimulation provided by books is irreplaceable and decided to dive back into reading. I began with the contemporary classic What Got You Here Won’t Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith, a recommendation from my coach.

As the title suggests, this book is tailored for seasoned leaders who find themselves plateauing at a certain level and are seeking strategies to unlock their potential and progress further. Goldsmith highlights 20 habits that can hold leaders back, many of which are strikingly relatable.

The book opens by explaining a phenomenon called the “success delusion.” Our past successes give us confidence and motivation, which are vital, but they can also make us resistant to change. This confidence often fosters a superstitious belief in the status quo, which can impede growth and innovation.

Goldsmith identifies 20 behavioral flaws in leadership that act as barriers to advancement. They are:

1. Winning too much: The need to win at all costs and in all situations – when it matters, when it doesn’t, and when it is totally beside the point.
2. Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.
3. Passing judgment: The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.
4. Making destructive comments: The needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty.
5. Starting with “No,” “But,” or “However”: The overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone, “I am right. You are wrong.”
6. Telling the world how smart we are: The need to show people we are smarter than they think we are.
7. Speaking when angry: Using emotional volatility as a management tool.
8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”: The need to share our negative thoughts even when we were not asked.
9. Withholding information: The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.
10. Failing to give proper recognition: The inability to praise and reward.
11. Claiming credit that we don’t deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success.
12. Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.
13. Clinging to the past: The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.
14. Playing favorites: Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.
15. Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we are wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.
16. Not listening: The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.
17. Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners.
18. Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.
19. Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves.
20. An excessive need to be “me”: Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.

Each of these habits is accompanied by detailed examples in the book, but even the titles alone are enough to spark introspection. Most of us can recognize some of these traits within ourselves or those around us.

The book’s most valuable insight for me was its seven-step approach to overcoming these limiting behaviors. These steps offer a practical framework to evolve as leaders and individuals:

1. Feedback: Actively seek honest input from others.
2. Apologizing: Acknowledge mistakes and express genuine regret.
3. Telling the world / Advertizing: Communicate your commitment to change.
4. Listening: Truly hear and understand others.
5. Thanking: Show appreciation for feedback and support.
6. Following up: Regularly check in to track progress and reinforce change.
7. Practicing feedforward: Focus on future improvements instead of dwelling on past mistakes.

In summary, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There is a must-read for leaders who aspire to break through barriers and achieve greater success. Goldsmith’s insights and actionable advice are invaluable for anyone striving to become a better version of themselves.